11 Years
That’s how long it’s been since I have had a drink. Although my life has become infinitely better since I quit drinking I do have some misgivings. It’s nobody’s fault that these mixed feelings confuse my celebration.
You see, 11 years ago, I was married, I was not a Type 1 Diabetic, and had a good job while living in beautifully remote Montana. Things were pretty good, except I had developed the habit of drinking a sixer of premium hoppy stout every night after my wife and kid went to bed. On the weekends I would really let loose - opting for a twelve pack and maybe a shot of Jack Daniel’s or a few Grand Marnier’s heated to just the right temperature in a snifter glass and sipped with indulgence. This was the culmination of many years of on again - off again, binge drinking, resulting in my lonely, desperate state.
It went like this until one particular raucous weekend when my wife demanded I quit. I took her up on it this time (there were many times) because I wanted to prove to her and myself that I could do it. I mean, I knew I could, I just hadn’t yet. The following couple of days were just shy of hellish. It was much harder than I anticipated. The addiction was strong, and the short drive to the store for a six-pack was so habitual I needed to find something else to fill my time. I started running, and my parents helped me buy a Bowflex. I also started going to AA meetings and got a sponsor.
It wasn’t until I had successfully gone six weeks without a beer that I had the courage to start the divorce process. By quitting drinking and boosting my self confidence, I suddenly felt empowered to change other things as well. I also decided to quit smoking. Two packs a day for 18 years - cold turkey.
My sponsor Austin was guiding me through the 3rd step, and the 3rd step prayer, which reads: “God, I offer thyself to thee—to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy power. Thy love, and Thy way of life. May I do Thy will always”. I respect AA, and it’s teachings. But it didn’t really resonate, as hard as I tried.
One day, around this time, I met with Austin. He started asking me questions about my assigned lesson, and for the second meeting in a row I confessed “I haven’t done any reading”. And “I am sorry”. I could see the disappointment on his face, and I felt rather embarrassed. I was taking this seriously, and I appreciated all his help. It’s just that I was getting a lot more out of exercising and being outdoors pushing my body than I was getting from reading the book and studying. “I don’t think you are taking this seriously enough” he said. And with that, he sent me on my way to do some soul searching.
Two nights later, at yet another meeting (I was attending 4 per week) I looked around at the drawn, empty faces in the church basement. It wasn’t a happy place, and this meeting in particular was composed mostly of people who liked to complain and dump their problems on the others in the group. I wasn’t having fun or getting anything out of it. And I realized that for many of these people, these meetings are vital for their sobriety and sanity, but not for me. I realized right then and there, that I had a choice. I could keep working the program, and going to meetings. I could learn to like them maybe, and I could learn to like the people, but most importantly I could help others. Or, I could leave this sad basement and get on with my life. I could take up trail running, treat my body right, align with nature, and decide right then that I could do this happily without alcohol in my life. It wasn’t a hard choice. I waited until the meeting was over, and walked home. I felt light, free, happy. I found the switch in my brain and I turned it off.
This is really the first time I have said any of this - because I realize most alcoholics simply don’t have the choice I had. I am incredibly lucky, but I am also dedicated to my sobriety and I work hard at it. My work ethic is my superpower. I started out by saying that I had some misgivings about quitting. What I meant is that I almost feel guilty about being sober for the past 11 years and boasting about it since I didn’t go through the program, and I am not sponsoring anyone or even associating myself with alcoholics. And I guess I feel bad about that. But I can say that I drew a line in the sand 11 years ago, and I haven’t crossed it. I am proud of that, and I am celebrating my sobriety hard.
